According to Cait Donovan, expert on burnout and creator of the podcast Fried, resentment is our superpower as it lets us know where a boundary is missing.
Over the last week, I’ve taken a closer look at my boundaries, particularly my inner boundaries. Often, when we speak of boundaries, we think of others crossing our boundaries, but a lot of times, we cross our own boundaries. Here are a couple of examples:
1) Have you ever asked a bunch of people (or even one) for their opinion and then gotten annoyed when you didn’t get the answer you wanted? I did that more when I was younger, but there have been times I’ve done it more recently. I’ve even garnered resentment against X person/people because they didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear – how crazy is that? All I really needed to do was spend some quiet time on my own because the answer was within me all along. I asked others because I wanted to make sure they were okay with what I was about to do — when in reality it had nothing to do with them. Does this sound familiar?
2) Someone asks you to do something for them. You’re exhausted or otherwise previously engaged, but you do it anyway, either by forcing yourself to find the energy or ignoring the plans you already had. I wonder how helpful we really are to X person when we show up full of resentment – they don’t get our best and we don’t give our best. What if we simply said, “I can’t or I already have plans?” The person asking might be disappointed at the time, but that’s not our responsibility.
3) While you are away on vacation, you check your emails even though you have a fantastic team who is handling everything in your absence. That one peek erased the peaceful mindset you had been cultivating while away. Suddenly, you’re angry at x client or team member for contacting you while on vacation. Did you really need to look at your emails? Was it simply habit? Or ego and the need to feel needed?
Of course, there are times when we feel like we are pulling weight for others, and we need to speak up and let them know how we feel/what we need.
Resentment helps to shine a light on what we’re feeling and can point us towards a solution if we take the time to contemplate the situation.
Cait suggests keeping a resentment journal. Simply writing it out can help us to feel better and can give us awareness of where we’ve overlooked a boundary.
Jin Shin Jyutsu for resentment: Hold your thumb, either one for five minutes or more focusing on your inhales and exhales. Your thumb helps calm worry, resentment, pre-occupation and more.
